I am still a child. After all these years...

my hair is really dry.

I look dead.

feel dead.

I've been wearing the same outfit for days now.

I'm 22 years old now, since the 28th last month. few days ago, i say...haven't been keeping track at all, really.

life's been a blur.

my days have collided within each other. I don't even recall waking up this morning...

I've been desperately seeking affection, attention elsewhere, where i shouldn't be.

cause i have a boyfriend and all. who by the way, adores every bit of me, it's unreal...kinda like those fluffy dogs on best in show. like mini stuffed toys..or like pandas...they just look like people in panda suits....idk why but the more i looked at them the more unreal they became.

ha...anyway i'm getting sidetracked....

i'm looking for attention from people i shouldnt be associating with...i.e. andy.

Andy.

yup.

the guy i sob hysterically for. not anymore, that was another lifetime...

but i still ache for his love. is that bad? does it mean i don't love my current boyfriend? i can say i love him and i do feel it. all the time, sometimes, but never not at all...

Scott, my DE penpal says i need to stop using him and find someone who challenges me and appreciates who i am.

but who am i?

sometimes i think...others know me more than i know myself...it's kinda scary to think i can't even trust myself. what will i do....it's too hard to tell.

I'm emailing andy, desperate in a way to get him to say he misses me.

he dodges it everytime...but it's weird he contaced me first after so many months...at least he said he was sorry, even if it was because he was kinda put on spot...but my point is... i miss the bastard. i always miss that bastard.

oh some stupid hoe instant messaged my boyfriend at 5 am...who does that...i was so angry and still pretty bothered...i've become jealous, insanely jealous. haha i think it's because how i'm feeling toward andy...this is all so wrong....

first, seconds, third "first loves."

I'm still here at krystin's. It's become my second "home." I finally was able to take a shower. I don't stink of cats and cigarettes. More so on the lines of a light scented rose candle. haha

My lips are chapped. They look like I just drank red Kool aid.

Krys is still asleep and I'm contemplating whether not I should walk home or just stay. I wonder if I could even conjure up a bit of strength to get the fuck off this chair.....hmmm.....nope. God, my lips hurt. I haven't been really productive as of late. I haven't been able to read or paint....or just be alone. It feels strange to get out of my regular routine. Even though it's only been about three days not being home, I feel like I've lost so much time doing what I cherish most. The simplilcity within a day. Simplicity has somehow slipped between my fingers...I kinda feel like I just got time warped a few years back when I was in high school, trying to get drunk, stealing radom shit, making reckless commotion, getting high, late night Denny outings. It sounds all so immature. (minus the denny's outing. I love diners.) I guess I'm so use to just being alone and doing my own thing.

I havent given much time to really hang out with other people.

...I realized that I purposely isolate myself from others.

Sometimes, the thought of human contact gives me scarce anxeity.

Being alone is time well spent. (ha)

I need to change that mindset. I've become entirely insufficient. In the whole friendship department. I try and make an effort but I usually get next to nothing back. I always end up wondering why I did it in the first place. I guess I'm mainly talking about Mayra. God, she's the most empty headed human being I've known so far. I don't understand her at all, yet we get along fine. It's the strangest thing. Well, I guess it could make sense because I'm  oh so very passive and it doesn't take much to enetertain me. A good movie, some good junk food and I'm happy. Anyway, I don't really want to get into that, it's a whole different blog of sorts.

I'm just glad I got to take a shower. 

I miss my bed.

Oh shit, I haven't fed my Betta fish and my frog in over two days.

Ugh, I'm wickedy wack.

I could be sleeping but I'm not. I'm tired. About to become completely delusional tired.

I could probably go without sleep the whole day. 

How spectacular.

It's been two days and I haven't showered or even brushed my teeth. I haven't been home at all. It feels weird. I feel weird.

I just so badly need to take a long, warm shower and then take a long, uninterrupted nap.

yes yes yes yes...

(so exteriorly I have this apathetic persona but when I'm alone, in my room. I sob hysterically sometimes over Andy. But now that I'm over him, I cry about this boy who pursued me but never told me he had a fucking girlfriend.)

I'm so fucking lucky, it's unfathomable.